Searching

I would really just like someone I can talk to on a day to day basis that I can just open up to. Someone who understands who can help me level things in my own head.

Coming Out: To Myself

I would like to apologize for not posting yesterday. I had a lot of stress fall onto my lap and I couldn’t seem to get myself to do any writing before work.

When I first came to the conclusion that this is what I wanted I cried. Now before you go jumping to conclusions I had a lot on my plate around this time. I had recently been disowned by my mother and been forced to move out with no job. My life had been so much of a struggle that I knew this path would only lead myself further away from my family. The first twenty-four hours where to me the most emotional part of coming out overall. I knew deep in my heart that I was never really a girl, but my family with their strict religious views would never accept my decision. Even though I tell my friends many times over and over again that I hate my family in truth I fear their judgement.

I have for many years let their judgement narrow my vision and dictate my life. So the tears were shed because it was honestly stress I didn’t think I could handle. My friend Kievn, who lives in the internet land, was there for me when I came to this decision. He comforted me in my time of desperate need. The day after was much more exciting though because for once… I felt like myself. Not like I was hiding, but I felt comfortable and content. That feeling carries with me even now.

So in the end coming out to myself was an emotional overhaul due to the pressure my life has had between my family and me. It was definitely one of those times where I needed to just let go and those twenty-four hours were just that. Me letting go of all the bullshit.

Plans for the Blog

I decided that while I do updates I kind of want to tell my story. In more detail than I can speak on video or in person. When I write my soul sort of comes out of my finger tips. The way I want to do this is every day for 30 days I will continue part of my story related to a certain subject, either of my choice or of your’s. Every Tuesday or Wednesday (both maybe) I will write updates on how I’m feeling through all of this and how things are going in my transition process. I decided to do it this way because right now thins are very stagnate due to a lack of money. I hope that by late January, maybe early February, that will change.

So, for the first month I’m going to go over the different experiences I’ve had with coming out to people. I’m going to make my first post on the 10th. Give myself time to figure out where I want to start with it all. I may just do a sort of introduction. One thing I want to put out is that if anyone has any questions directed towards me relating to the topic of the month or in response to one of my update posts, I will respond. If its directed towards the topic of the month I may just make your question’s answer the day post.

Just figured this would be a good way to get my feelings out there. When I first thought about coming out I never thought it would truly be this difficult as when I came out and told people I liked girls. That compared to this was cake. Ha ha! Well until Monday (10th) I’ll see you all later. Make sure to have really good weekends.

This Blog

It has been a long time since I was last on this blog and wrote anything. So, I’m going to give a nice big update that my blog with worthy of.

Roughly four/five months ago I finally got the job I needed.  So I work a full time on the overnight shift for Walmart. It was exhausting at first because your body doesn’t really know where to fit in. Its been some time and my body has became somewhat adjusted, but I often tell people I feel  like Neo. At night I’m living one life and during the day I life another. It has become chaotic mess for everyone involved in my life.

So, while working at Walmart I had the strangest thing happen. I fell in love. Here I was this person just starting to go through the beginning stages of transitioning and I really didn’t want to date or get in a relationship when I already knew they would make me uncomfortable. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in this relationship. I have pushed my own boundaries and I have just broken and rebuilt myself many times.

I found myself one day being called out for being a butch lesbian by a woman coming through my check out at 2 am. I was rather insulted, but in complete shock at the same time because never has anyone just come out who didn’t know me and just ask me so bluntly. Never was I asked either. It was just new to me. So there I was laughing without being able to say any words while this woman just told me how cute I was and how she had a friend for me.

Kids, don’t listen to crazy strangers who say they want to hook you up with a friend. Especially if you are at Walmart. However, this woman was a crazy person. She was actually quite lovely and seemed overly interested in me. Walmart uniform never looked sexy to me, but hey you know some people just like it I guess. A week later we exchanged numbers. We talked and it was rather interesting. I must tell you two important facts. I thought she was 33 and she thought I was 27. I’m 21 and she is 42.

Her name is Boo. Not her real name, but what we all call her. The reason I’m crazy for being in this relationship is because Boo has had a complete life. She knows things I may never learn and she has given herself a comfortable lifestyle. I used to be homeless and I am very use to street talk and lingo in order to get what I want and get around things. The most expensive thing I own that I bought with my own money is my $100 xbox (Bought it from a friend). This woman works at home and does graphic design work for big casinos in the area and for John Deer. I was shocked. What the hell had just happened that this woman would want to chase a street urchin like myself?

Well so we start dating and I go to what turned out to my last therapy session. I just never had time with a job and new relationship to balance. Our therapist is an active volcano. We fight and get mad then its all fine again and repeat. In this last month she pointed out that I’ve just become sort of… far away? Because I don’t seem as alive as I did the first month. I know some would ask why I was putting myself there if I felt someone away from reality and emotionless. Well, I loved her and I actually felt more drained from my work than my actual relationship. 

The 7th of December will be our 3 month mark. I honestly do not know how good that will be. Things will be even more stressful than they already are and even though my store’s black Friday sale starts tomorrow night. I know that it wont even scratch the surface of my true problems. The major thing I’ve purposely left out… Boo has cancer. She is dying from Lymphoma. At the beginning of this month her doctor gave her 30, maybe 60 days. We asked about Christmas and were told that it cant be guaranteed. Everyone Boo knows is all thinking the same thing, “Any day now she could die.”

None of us want to think it, none of us want to lose her. She wants us to realize it and accept it even though she herself is afraid of dying. So in these last few weeks this woman has gone out of her way to comfort my life. Let me say rather quickly that I hate receiving charity eve though I used to be homeless. I am determined to rise out of it entirely on my own.

So yea… life. Life has grabbed me by the balls and told me to live. That’s why I’ve been gone Intronet.  I plan to kind of us all the parts of my blog as a support system because I’m coming here now looking for a way to have a shoulder to lean on. I know my friends care, but I have no way to talk, but through short text messages and I fucking hate texting. So, thanks for listening.

Feeling Like A Man

I recently got into a relationship with a wonderful woman who treats me amazingly. Its difficult because of my transitioning, but she goes out of her way to treat me like a man. Its funny because I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. I just wanted to be accepted. Her name is Boo. As it stands now I am extremely happy with her.

I honestly feel more like a man now with her than I ever did before. She has helped me with my binder. With packing. It is just amazing what she goes out of her way to do for me. I love this woman with all my heart.

After reading a bunch of bizarre posts I thought dating as a trans man was going to be very difficult. I just don’t think the people who complain about it a lot are looking very hard. Here is to life! Thank you for this opportunity.

Keeping a journal

So my therapist told me I should write my feelings down and I get her point for it. I expressed to her my deep connect to my thoughts when I put pen to paper. So, I bought some journals today and I sit here staring at them and I realized a bizarre comfort I feel just from owning these. Knowing their meaning and that in a way its a silent retreat when I can barely hold on.

On a different note I’ve had two wonderful sessions with my therapist. Each time I go I feel pumped for life. Its good, especially since I decided that I was going to quit smoking now. So, I could have this terrible week at work and home could make me hate myself. However, the moment the sun rises on Saturday I feel this unexplainable ease creep over me. It is a beautiful day no matter what happens simply because I got to talk to someone who actually cares about helping me.

Side note:

Binder will be here in a couple of days! WOOT!

Excited!

My binder should be here within the next couple of days. I feel so excited.